I don’t recall how the conversation began or even what we were talking about, but I know that as I stood there washing the dishes I was feeling ashamed of myself as a parent, like I wasn’t good enough. Searching for validation or even a good pat on the back, I asked my eldest if he thought I was a good Mommy. Confession: I knew even while asking that it was a loaded question, that I could be sure he knew what I wanted to hear; he’s a child, not a fool.

Sometimes I think you’re the worst Momma in the world. Sometimes I think you’re the best Momma in the world. Sometimes I don’t think anything at all. I laughed out loud at the last statement he made, because it was so honest. To be honest, though, I kept clinging to what he said first: the worst Momma. I’m sure he thinks that in those moments when he’s annoyed at having to complete another chore or when he’s disappointed in his discipline. Then there are the times when I’m just in such a bad mood that I’ve actually provoked him to anger with my words or deeds–he’s justified in his anger in those moments.

“You make me want to be a better Momma,” I told him. He seemed confused at my remark. Though I don’t exactly recall my next words for some reason, it went something like…”I know that I don’t always honor the Lord with how I speak to you or treat you. I know that I’m to love Jesus with all my heart, my soul, my strength, and my mind. When I treat you with unkindness, I’m not loving Him with everything I have. I’m also not loving you the way I love myself.”

Somehow that moment of seeking to receive flowery words of praise turned into a gentle reminder from my loving Heavenly Father of His commands in Deuteronomy 6:5 and Matthew 22:37.

Fast forward to that evening. I decided to put aside my desires to always have control in my the kitchen and let the Big and Medium Bananas help me make puppy chow for dessert. This was a pretty big deal for me as I don’t like messes, and this particular recipe involves things like mixing lose ingredients, powdered sugar, and shaking a bag to distribute said powdered sugar. My Big Banana had the chance to shake the baggie of cereal with the powdered sugar (a Ziploc, no less, which is supposed to be so much stronger than the store brand), and he did so with great gusto. Can you guess what happened next? Tiny Banana, who had occupied himself with something on the floor beneath us suddenly received a shower of sugar-chocolate-peanut butter-coated cereal. Oh, and any of the powdered sugar that hadn’t yet adhered to said cereal was now coming to a rest on his pajamas, his curls, and the floor surrounding him.

I may have exploded.

Of course, when I say “may” I mean “I definitely did”. The very event that I’d imagined (sorta) happening in my the kitchen had happened: there was food all over the floor and the baby instead of in the baggie where it should have stayed. My ideal for perfect execution of a recipe with two children had gone awry as things often do when small hands are involved. I yelled foolish words about the mess and how I should never have invited them to do this recipe, etc., stupid rant, etc. As I cleaned it up, Big Banana excused himself.

By the time I’d finished and even cooled my jets enough to finish the recipe with their help, Big Banana re-emerged from his bedroom. “Where did you go?” I got into my bed and asked God to help me be a better listener and to follow instructions better.

BAM.

I got on my knees as I realized I, too, needed to ask God for help to be a better listener and obeyer. I looked my eldest in the eyes and couldn’t do anything other than hug him and try to gain control over my desire to weep big, hot tears. I apologized for my words and for my behavior. I tried to explain that messes and dirt feel like chaos to me, and chaos makes me feel angry. (I know there is WAY more to it than that, but he’s only 7). I asked his forgiveness, and I told him that he teaches me so much about how to love Jesus more. Then we picked up from where we’d left off, and we ate our puppy chow while watching some Big Hero 6.

Who knows what he thought about those moments? Maybe one day he’ll recount for me what was going through his mind that day, maybe not. I can tell you that I’m so thankful for the lessons I learned that day, and I want to hold on to them.

Sometimes he still lets me squeeze him tight.

I love the way God made children so very resilient and forgiving. It’s as if He’s giving us a peek at how He offers the same kind of forgiveness of sins when we get down on our knees and admit to Him that we need His forgiveness.

I am thankful for the small moment when the Lord showed me that what we’re trying to teach our children is starting to sink in for the eldest: pray and ask God for help, because He will strengthen you obey Him.

I’m thankful some of the powdered sugar fell onto the baby. I discovered that if I put my face next to his head and inhaled through my mouth, the air tasted sweet. Haha. I’m weird, I know. Maybe a bit gross if I consider whatever else may have landed in his hair that day. Mmm. Tasty.

I’m so thankful that God is using my family to spur me on to looking more like His Son Jesus. I hate that sometimes my lessons come at the expense of others, but that’s just how life is. I’m thankful that God is molding and shaping me.

And I’m thankful for that moment when I could be vulnerable with my sons and let them know how my heart was both desiring to love God and fighting against it at the same time. It’s a paradox they’ll continue to learn as they grow older.

Thank You, Jesus, for Your lovingkindness toward us, for Your patience, for Your forgiveness.

I have a friend overseas who uses this hashtag often, and I love it. She’s right. Simple is good.

So why is it that we overlook the simple things? I’ve been scanning my horizons looking for outstanding reasons to be thankful, but my friend Brittany reminded me a few days ago that we can be equally encouraged by remembering the smaller things in life.

How many of them do we overlook or miss in our hurry to get to the bigger events and milestones? Right before Brittany and I had that conversation, I had made myself a cup of hot tea. I L-O-V-E drinking hot tea. It warms me from the inside. Plus, I constantly have cold hands, and it’s great to have something toasty to hold. Sharing that cup of tea with someone else is even better. I so enjoy having friends over for tea (hey! quality time is one of my love languages!).

Even my boys love hot tea, or in this case hot chocolate.

Just this morning while prepping part of our science lesson I asked my 7yo to draw with his baby brother who is 19-1/2 months. The little one had one of those fat pencils, and the big one was trying to teach him how to draw shapes. He did it with such care and gentleness that I had to capture the moment. It’s not a very good shot, but I’ll treasure it anyway.

Such a good teacher. Of course, goggles are a must.

I’m a pretty big sucker for my fluffy pink robe. Not only does it keep me warm and toasty, but I love how it feels when my sweet baby and I are together enveloped. I’ll spare you a photo of me in the robe; it’s not pretty, I promise. Sometimes I wish I could wear it all day long, but I think that’s weird.

Quick question: What do you think when you see a parent being silly with his/her child? It makes me think of relaxation, of responsibilities put aside for the moment, of fun. I’m not too good at those things, so maybe that’s why I get all sentimental when I see my husband playing with our boys. They’re loud, usually they aren’t wearing shirts (or pants?), and pillows often fly when they play. I love it, and I never like to interrupt it either. The boys love to wrestle with their Daddy. He is their jungle gym.

Not exactly a jungle gym moment, but I absolutely adore the look on Stephen’s face.

Colored pens. They make me feel like I have a rainbow inside. I love colors when I write! Staying away from the writing utensil aisle at Target is wise for me. Buy all the colored pens! This is a particular kind of happy place where we find the unicorns and cotton candy clouds. I ❤ colored pens and markers!

You might think I have a problem, but each set has a unique responsibility. It’s true.

It’s the small things. Now it’s your turn: what small things make you feel thankful? Ready? GO!

Ashley

Ever notice that any time you work to make some kind of progress in your life, whether externally or internally, that there are always bumps in the road that may set you back? Ever feel like you’re starting all over again?

I’m not gonna lie: I had been a bit naive thinking how easy it would be to be positive and have gratitude about everything in life. Ha! When a character trait doesn’t “come naturally” to a person, developing said trait takes time and tremendous effort. Why would I kid myself into thinking this would be easy?

When I established this blog I made sure to commit to a regular schedule of posting to hold myself accountable; anything short of posting weekly and I knew that I would likely let my blog disappear into oblivion with other commitments I’ve made in the past (just like that blog I had over at Blogger). I am ashamed to admit that I’m a starter but not always a finisher. Each week I find myself remembering that I will need to update on Tuesday and ask myself, “What should I be thankful for? What can I write about that will both edify me and encourage others?”

For every step forward, do you feel like you take two, maybe three

steps backward? I do, and practicing gratitude is no exception.

I sit here laughing inside as I write this entry because in the recent 10 days or so, I’ve not practiced much gratitude. My attitude of the heart and the overflow have been quite opposite: I have been an expert at practicing to be a grumpy, complaining jerk. And I mean EXPERT.

The only reason that I feel compelled to even write this entry and be so transparent is: YOU. With every entry I have posted I continue to be amazed at how much you are blessed by my honesty about my struggles. So–I guess–I’m thankful for your thankfulness, and I appreciate the irony.

It’s at this point that it seems logical to go back to the basics, to the beginning. Isn’t that the very best place to start when we get stuck and feel lost?
*I’m thankful for Jesus, who died on the cross to pay the pentalty for my sins (This alone should be reason enough to give me joy in my heart, but I forget about this reason all the time).
*I’m thankful that I had time with my parents and brother for Chistmas in 2015.
*I’m thankful for a home to live in  with working heat and a brand new HVAC, even if that HVAC is several thousands of dollars.
*I’m thankful for the opportunity to be at home with my kiddos so that I can homeschool them…that’s what I’ve desired for so long.

I’m going to stop there for now. Can we maybe agree with one another that thankfulness does’t easily come to every one of us? Some of us have to work really hard at it. ::see me jumping up and down flailing my arms in the air:: So would you do me a favor? Share with me here a few reasons why you’re thankful so that we can be mututally encouraged. I would LOVE to hear from you since you’re part of the reason I keep writing. 😉

Ugh.

Much love to you,

Ashley

This is actually a post I wrote way back on October 22nd before I knew what this blog would be about…before I knew what I would call my blog…before I even realized that I would be learning how to practice gratitude. Today seems like the perfect day to post about it! Warning…sappiness involved!

I have been awaiting this day for five months since I achieved the rank of Silver in my job with Young Living Essential Oils. I had to maintain that rank for three consecutive months in order to qualify, and I did it–by the grace of God and with the help of my incredible teammates (I’ll be the first to admit how much of a communal effort this job is!) and my favorite support person–my husband Stephen. Today is the day that I fly out to the Young Living Lavender Fields in Mona, Utah.  

June 2014 at a PSK Launch Party..this is only a small portion of my team. One day we’ll all be together in the same room!

You see, as I consider the events of the last 24 months of being a Lemon Dropper, I can’t help but smile and cry a little when I recall how much my husband has been invested in this business with me. On Christmas 2014, for example, Stephen surprised me with the very tablet upon which I am typing this entry. I love that he even knew how much I wanted to type on a keyboard and not on a touchscreen and provided that as well…it’s the small things!  

When we took our family vacation to Texas in May 2015 to show our kids the fun places he and I enjoyed visiting as kiddos and to celebrate Tiny Banana’s first birthday, Stephen gladly supported opportunities for me to meet with my business colleagues and to teach a couple of classes. He didn’t mind at all.

Part of my team in Texas. Praise God for friends and Tex-Mex! 

In August 2015,  my new friend in Texas purchased her Premium Starter Kit in the hopes of addressing several major issues but then struggled to understand and retain what I was teaching her and how to use her new investment. I ached to go see her in person and help her learn since computers aren’t easy for her to use. All I had to do was ask and Stephen said yes to my quick trip and his being solo for a weekend with two kids so I could go help my friend.

I heard about this weekend-long seminar called FUEL where I would meet hundreds of other crazy Lemon Droppers and get pumped full of tips to make this business work for our family, and Stephen said “yes” to my request to go to Orlando for a weekend. Alone. Without children. Seriously–that was really a big deal for this work-at-home/homeschooling mama! My mom flew out to help for a few days (thanks again, Momma!), and I had the privilege of meeting my leaders. It was incredible! 

This precious lady has invested many hours into teaching me how to succeed.

My girl Rose Billock!

Once again I was starstruck! I met THE Lindsay Teague Moreno!

I teach classes in my home, and that usually requires a babysitter (read: more than likely the baby is sleeping and the big boys are watching a DVD or two in another room); sometimes it means that Stephen has to evacuate the residence with our minions for several hours on a Saturday. And just like that they are gone on some adventure. Oh, and then there is the periodic Sunday night online classes that I help orchestrate, and that means I’m missing out on one of the two nights that I actually have to spend with my husband. He never complains, but I’m sure thankful that doesn’t happen often.

Now as I head to Salt Lake City for this Silver Retreat and gear up to meet other oil crazies like myself and learn about this amazing company that is actually paying for us to one out (you know–hotel, food, airline tickets, and even goodie bags–for real, how many companies do that?!), I am thankful once again for Stephen’s “yes’. He’s letting me go on another adventure and do something on my own. I’ll come home with more wisdom and excitement than when I left. I’ll also return with jet lag and exhaustion from sitting in seminars for an entire day and spending the second day out at the lavender farm that is so iconic to Young Living’s name. Still he lets me go, and he does it with a joyful heart.

Meeting D. Gary Young for the first time. I admit to feeling starstruck!

I’m trying not to well up with tears right now just thinking about this…my airline neighbors might think I’m nuts! My husband is amazing. He’s my sounding board for creative ideas and solutions, he listens when I’m stressed, he offers advice even when I don’t want it. Ha! I know there are many women out there who are power houses like to wave their flags of independence, but that’s not me. At all. I don’t want to do this business without my Stephen. I’m pretty confident that I wouldn’t be where I am today without his constant support.

Best. Day. Ever.

I really, really, really love this guy.

So this post is written with an attitude of gratitude as I think about how much Stephen has demonstrated servanthood to me by allowing me to run with this dream I have. 

Most days I still suck at having a grateful heart and therefore a joyful attitude. I am really thankful that you don’t have that problem, Stephen. I don’t know how you put up with me. You love me with such grace. You teach me so much about being the hands and feet of Jesus. Thank you for letting me dream big and for dreaming with me; you and our boys are my “Why”. I can’t wait to see the fruition of those dreams–together. What a blessing it is to be by your side, and this year we celebrate 10 years of marriage! I love you more all the time!